Well hello again WebTraveller!
Time to write something about the recent past. I had my therapy session yesterday and I have discovered through this about how the body can talk to you. Let me back up a bit, over the recent past alot of things have been flying through the brain, it seems to be “conversations and statements” that are not from the present, but parts of me seem to cling to them for some reason or another. Doesn’t matter if you dont want to give it attention or not. It seems to take it. This has annoyed me, and I’m not usually someone who really gets annoyed. I remember a while go and my therapist suggested I write and do a journal. I tried it and it did seem to help, but the thoughts triggered the hands nd pen to write and I wound up “reinvesting” things I jsut wanted to rid myself of. Has that happened to anyone else out there? Just curious.
Anyway I had to do a small repair on the Air Conditioner, it’s a capacitor, nothing too crazy, it was something I figured that needed to be replaced. One was done about two years ago so now the set of them has been done. The place is set until next year. However upon going to pay for the services rendered, I remember feeling a tightness on the left side of my neck, then a few different sensations thought the body. Now keep in mind this was less than $300 to fix. Kinda easy peasy. then about an hour later the stomach starts churning and well …. Living on the toilet was my destiny. I sat there and thought to myself, are you kidding me? So I brought this up to the therapist She indeed said the neck tightness and other sensations through out the body were an indication to me that the body was speaking. The neck tightness was instanteous, and the result of living in the bathroom is a result of what seems to be a chemistry change and well for 2 days it was hard to be too far from the facility. However this took us through more and more depth of things. She asked me if I can remember other times this was a problem.
I remember telling her through my childhood. I had plenty of issues. Doing some light thinking on it now, when I was younger I thought it was related to having too much sugary stuff, could be, but I remember that people fought, generally it was my parents over a slew of things that don’t need to be said here. I remember it got so bad that I seemed to have developed issues with going in public. I don’t see the problem now, but everyone has to. However, it got to a point where I messed up many pairs of underwear.My mother knew it, and well dad wasn’t too happy about it, understand now that times were tough, money was tight, and now I understand that it was a clear sign of stress. Not knowing what the parents were thinking, because you (me) was a kid you think you can handle the world and all will be ok. Also thinking back this might be a reason to “not being well liked in school” “you smell” kinda thing, realizing now a contributing reason to how I was treated. It’s like a trickle down affect. Things at home weren’t “well” there were actions on my part that I really wasn’t aware of the surrounding of me, but now many years later I am aware and piecing together all of this to understand all of those actions from oh so many years ago. Even today seeing “situtaions” on how it trickles down in many fashions.
Now you may ask, aren’t you embarrassed but all this? The answer is no. I am not. I am a person who is trying to understand his own past from my perspective. How did I wind up being numbed to so many thing, like I was disconnected from it all and then share this with anyone who reads this, to understand there is someone else on the planet, who has also gone through things. Fuck this bottle up crap, you can’t speak about it. You will embarrass the family. Just understand WebTraveller, you are not alone. You maybe by yourself reading thing, as a single person, but you are not alone. There is help out there if you need it. But you have to make the call. My partner helped me to realize that 3 ish years ago and I am glad it happened. Not happy of the journey, but there is a precious prize throughout all of this. The preciousness of you as a person.
Not to get to far off the “title” of this post. Going through this I can now truly gain an insight to aspects of my own life and how truly deep a lot of this goes. There are many ways that this has shown up in life. Do I care for it, absolutely not. I find it annoying that this is what I have to do because of what others said and did, and somehow it was allowed to be injected. I have a better appreciation now of the how’s and why’s on how I do things. I have been a long time observer and based on those observations have made decision on who I am and what attracts me to some people and not to some others. For the longest time I have been in fiight or flight mode. That is not a way I want to live. I am not here to control people, controlling myself is a hard enough job. I also realize now there have been times I allowed some controlling to happen. It was usually in moments of weakness where I wasn’t thinking straight, now I have an awareness to that.
All images were taken the day this post was made. It feels good to get out and be somewhat active. After all at the end of the day you are your best friend, do your best to take care. Live life, be happy. Last but not least, one day at a time.